


The Journey Itself is home

by Zedrobber



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Dubious Consent, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-09-21
Packaged: 2017-12-27 05:37:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zedrobber/pseuds/Zedrobber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock and Kirk, on their 5 year mission, are summoned to New Vulcan where Spock Prime is dying. How can they help him to regain his purpose when he has lost everything- his T'hy'la.<br/>I tagged this for dub-con, but to be honest, it's mild.<br/>Crossposted from fanfic.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The summons to New Vulcan was a surprise.

Kirk and the rest of the crew had just settled into a comfortable, efficient routine; their five year mission was going well and morale was high.

Spock and Kirk had also settled into a sort of routine – they were almost-kinda-maybe together, which meant that they were both absolutely lost without the other but unwilling to admit it. They spent most of their free time together; playing chess, doing research, sparring in the gym, or just quietly sharing a room for a few hours, avoiding the chaotic bustle of the ship. They also fucked- a lot.

But as for admitting to anything involving  _feelings_  or  _romance_ , or worse,  _commitment_ \- well, that wasn't quite as comfortable, and often ended in bloodshed.

Spock quietly mourned this; his older counterpart had implied several times over the last year or so that they were intended, destined to be together, and Kirk's rejection was painful, eating away a hollow, empty space where his heart should be every time they touched. He didn't say anything to Jim, knowing that the younger man would laugh, or just ignore the conversation altogether in the way he always dealt with emotional unrest. But he  _felt_ , deeply; and he became quiet, withdrawn in a way that could only be noticed by those looking the hardest. His performance at work did not falter, of course; that would have been completely unacceptable- but Kirk noticed that he was not as easy to make almost-smile, and that he was less focused on their chess matches, often losing clumsily to moves he could easily have stopped.

Jim also mourned, though less quietly and with more rage. He could not understand why Spock was being so  _awkward_ , so quiet with him. He wanted the easy friendship- and more- that had developed so tentatively over the last few years. He didn't want Spock attempting to avoid his company as much as possible.

And Kirk wanted  _Spock_ \- all of him; his stupid haircut right down to his soul. He wanted to touch him, to taste him and have him always, and no one else- and that was _fucking terrifying._  He could barely touch the Vulcan without getting an uncomfortable erection, his thoughts racing frantically to hide the lust coursing through him from the touch telepath. It was a daily battle to remain in control of himself- he would not, could not risk rejection, not from  _Spock._  It would kill him.

So he made do with what he had, and silently seethed, hating himself and Spock completely illogically.

When the summons came, Kirk was sprawled in his chair, deep in thought.

"Transmission from New Vulcan, Captain," Uhura said from behind him, jolting Kirk back to reality. "Huh?"

"There is a transmission from a Vulcan ambassador, Captain."

"Put it on the viewscreen."

A dignified, grey-haired Vulcan appeared on screen, his face as serene as ever, but his tone urgent in a manner only Spock noticed, causing him to move and stand beside his Captain's chair.

"Captain Kirk. We request your presence on New Vulcan immediately. I am sorry to impose on you and your crew at such short notice; rest assured that it is indeed urgent. We will of course provide accommodation and entertainment for your crew; they will be free to enjoy shore leave on our planet while yourself and Commander Spock attend to business."

"Business?" Spock enquired, his head tilted slightly to the right.

"Yes…I am afraid that Ambassador … Spock-" the Vulcan paused slightly. "Forgive me; he made me aware of the circumstances surrounding his identity so that I could relay this message to you. He believes that he is dying, Captain. He requested your presence."

Both Spock and Jim stood in silence as they processed this information.

_Dying-_ Spock thought.  _He- I am dying. I do not know how to feel._  He was at a loss; grief for the death to come clashing strangely with a disconnected, empty feeling of resignation. It was early; he would have predicted his elder counterpart to live a longer life. However it was perhaps logical. Spock's heart twisted painfully as he came to the only conclusion which seemed accurate.

Spock Prime had outlived his Jim- as he had described to Spock, his  _T'hy'la_ \- by ninety-six years, now. He had nothing left to live for.

That his Jim was supposed to be the same for Spock, if his counterpart was correct, was a terrifying, bone-shaking thought. What if  _his_ Jim died again- or worse, what if he died before they had managed to work out how to do this relationship, and he couldn't be brought back? It was unbearable. Spock had lost him once; he was not prepared to do it again.

Jim was also struggling.

_Why would he want to see me? I barely know him. Surely Spock should do this- he can't want me being near him._  Then he glanced at Spock and knew that he couldn't let the Vulcan deal with this on his own, no matter how awkward he felt. It would be cruel.

_How old is he, anyway? He looked pretty old. Wonder what's wrong with him-_

"We'll be there as soon as we can, Ambassador," Kirk said quietly, his throat dry, before cutting the transmission.

He hadn't stopped looking at Spock, at the painful, strong emotions on his face despite his silence. His heart ached for the loss Spock must be feeling, and he reached out a hand to touch the Vulcan hesitantly.

"Are you okay?"

"I…do not know, Captain," Spock replied honestly, turning troubled eyes on his Captain. "I am experiencing conflicting emotions."

"Me too, Spock," Kirk replied with a sigh. "Do you know what's wrong with him?"

"I believe I do; however I do not wish to discuss it here. Perhaps your quarters?"

"Sure. Sulu, you know what to do. Don't get too comfortable in that chair." Kirk stood, stretching painfully as he followed Spock to the turbolift.

Spock remained silent until the door closed behind them in Kirk's quarters.

"So what is it, Spock?"

"Captain, this may seem … sentimental. I am hesitant to continue."

"C'mon, Spock- I need to know as well, apparently."

"I believe that Spock Prime simply has nothing left to live for."

"What do you mean?"

Spock hesitated for a long moment as he attempted to put order to his thoughts. Kirk looked at him expectantly.

"He made it clear to me on several occasions that him and the Jim of his timeline were more than friends- and also, more than just lovers."

Jim blinked.  _More than -just- lovers? I don't get it._

"I see you require further explanation. I am not sure I can provide it accurately. They were- and I use the Vulcan because I know no completely correct translation- T'hy'la. The most correct Standard words would be friend, brother, or lover, although it is more than all three of these words together."

_I don't think I get what he is trying to tell me._

_I don't think he fully understands what I am telling him._

"So…where is his Jim?"

"Dead, Captain. He has been for ninety-six years."

_In another timeline, I'm dead for good,_  Jim thought with a faint sense of horror.  _I had everything, and I died._  "How old was I- how old was he?"  _What if Bones hadn't been able to bring me back? What if I'd stayed dead, and Spock never knew how I feel?_

"I do not know."

"So…he's just given up?"

"Vulcans are not like humans. When they choose a mate, they bond- a mental link which is both wonderful and intimate, allowing the transferral of thoughts, feelings, and emotions between both bonded Vulcans. When one partner dies, that link breaks-often painfully, permanently, and occasionally with great damage to the other. It can be…incredibly difficult…to continue."

"And we have to go do what with Spock Prime?"

"I can only assume, Captain, that he wishes to impart some knowledge to us before his passing."

"But won't I just make it harder for him?"

"Perhaps."  _Likely. If I feel pain that you do not want me as I want you, my counterpart must also feel the loss of his Jim when he looks at you._

"Well, I guess he knows what he's doing."

"Indeed."  _I do not know._

 


	2. Chapter 2

Clearing the detour with Starfleet was easier than Jim had anticipated; he only had to assure them that he would inform his crew to help with the building where needed, and to offer other assistance when asked, and Starfleet Command agreed to his visit. Informing the crew was also easy- they were by now willing to follow Kirk wherever he asked, and for this he was both humbled and grateful. Of course, the promise of a few days shore leave did not harm his situation.

They set a course for New Vulcan and began to make preparations for their visit, estimating arrival in three point four Earth days.

Spock and Kirk did not quite know what to say to each other; Spock was clearly still affected deeply by the news, and Jim was reeling with the explanation the Vulcan had given him as to the reason for the older Spock's illness.

_He cannot live without his Jim. Would Spock have been the same if I hadn't come back? We aren't bonded- aren't like them. We can barely agree on anything. He must miss him so much._

He did not know how to continue their almost-relationship in the wake of this news; Spock seemed even more distant than usual, lost in his thoughts and meditating often. They had barely spoken since the transmission, and Jim's heart ached at the loss of his friendship. He also missed their sexual encounters- usually rough, possessive and angry, but still some of the most meaningful sex he'd ever had. Just glancing at Spock reminded Jim of how he looked when he was fucking; that intense, almost furious expression on his face, his eyes black and his lips curled in a silent snarl.

Kirk wondered how to approach Spock with this – how could he even be thinking about sex when Spock Prime was dying?  _I am a terrible person._   _Spock is probably glad to be free of my…attention._

He spent most of his time in his quarters, sprawled on his bed with his head in his hands. He felt intolerably lonely.

Spock was not glad to be free of Kirk, not even slightly. He missed the casual touches of his Captain as they passed on the bridge. He missed his irritating smirk and his easy laugh. He needed them all more than ever right now, but Jim was unwilling, seeming almost scared to be around him. Spock's mind was a torrent of unwelcome emotions- grief, sorrow, anger, and worst of all,  _loneliness_ , just like when he was a child. He felt lost, scared; his whole body trembling uncontrollably. He sat in his quarters, hunched with his knees under his chin as he thought.

_My counterpart is dying. It may as well be my own self on that planet, considering how I am currently feeling. I must gain control of these emotions, I must- he would not wish to see me like this._

_I need Jim._

But how to explain to the Captain that he was not merely interested in a casual relationship any longer- or that in fact, he never had been? He could not, not at this time. How could he even be thinking of such matters? Kirk would be ashamed of him.

Their arrival at New Vulcan came more quickly than they really wanted; both Spock and the Captain feeling unprepared and scared as they beamed down together. Jim shot a careful glance at Spock, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows in silent question. Spock nodded, looking a lot calmer than he felt, his throat dry.  _If only we were bonded_ , he thought sadly, that hollow place in his heart aching.  _Then there would be no need for such crude communication- but to lose you again once bonded would be more than I could bear. Perhaps it is better this way. I cannot force you to bond with me._

The transporter beam energised and his thoughts were momentarily lost.

Kirk blinked sharply, the sudden, intense heat and bright light confusing him. Spock was immediately there by his side, steadying him. "Captain, take a moment," he said quietly into Jim's ear. "The climate appears to be most inhospitable for human life."

"It's damned hot," Kirk complained, his eyes screwed shut. Despite his discomfort, it felt  _good_  to have Spock touch him again, his cool, solid presence against his body both arousing and comforting- an odd mix, but one Kirk was accustomed to with the Vulcan. He leaned into the touch gratefully, wanting to prolong it as much as possible. Eventually he felt he could no longer justify it, and so he straightened up, opening his eyes and blinking hard against the daylight.

"It's beautiful," he breathed. New Vulcan was well underway; tall, elegant buildings already finished, an air of peace and re-discovered tranquillity surrounding them.

Spock could hear the surface thoughts of Jim through their touch, as he had a thousand times before.  _Don't stop touching me, need it- need you, fuck why haven't you touched me in days, feels like forever don't ever stop-_

The words barely registered, the overwhelming  _need_  in Kirk's mind enough to send ripples of answering arousal through Spock. But now was not the time. He fought to regain composure and won, releasing Jim when he straightened and pretending he didn't notice the human's disappointed glance. "Indeed," was all he said, his heart breaking a little more as he regarded the new colony. It was alien to him, the buildings and streets unfamiliar, new- not steeped in tradition and nostalgia like the Vulcan he grew up on. It did not smell like his home planet, nor did the soil have the same colour; and all of these things were a terrible, tortuous reminder of what had happened, of how many people died. Of his mother, her face turned up to him as she fell to her death.

He shook himself, dragging his mind to the present so that he could look at his Captain, blinking in the sun like a newborn foal. It was almost endearing, his complete lack of dignity.

"Are you quite well?"

Jim grinned at Spock when he could see him properly again. "There you are! I'm fine, Spock, just not used to your people's disregard for air conditioning or sunglasses."

His smile faltered as he noticed the subtle play of emotion on Spock's face as the Vulcan looked around his species' new planet. It was sad, distant; Kirk could practically feel his pain from where he was standing.

"Spock?"

His voice was soft, careful; with a tentative step forward he placed his hand on Spock's shoulder, meaning it to come across as a comforting gesture and hoping it was not misconstrued. "Are you thinking about her?"

"She would have loved this planet," Spock answered unexpectedly. "It is truly beautiful." A pause, and then Spock moved away from Kirk's touch with a shudder that looked almost like pain. "I would have liked her to see it."  _You must stop touching me, it ruins any control I have, want you, need you so much but not now Jim, can you not see how this hurts me to have you close but not my bondmate, not truly mine?-_

Jim looked crestfallen; Spock wished he had not moved away despite his discomfort.

_He doesn't want me to touch him. What did I do to make him stop wanting to be near me? Maybe I should tell him how I feel, perhaps that would be best- no, Jim. Look at him, for fuck's sake! He's not coping in the slightest with this situation. How the hell would you pouring your heart out to him help? How can he deal with your emotional incontinence when he's already processing so much? Man the fuck up and wait._

"We are on the outskirts of the largest city," Spock said quietly. "I suggest we walk quickly to my elder counterpart's residence, before you succumb to heatstroke."

Jim was jolted back to the present by Spock's words, realising that he did already feel somewhat dizzy from the heat. "What about my crew?"

"They have already been given their instructions; a small skeleton crew will remain on the Enterprise while the majority of our men and women will beam down for shore leave. Do not worry, Captain."

"Right. Lead on then, Spock."  _I'm more worried about you, to be honest. I wish we didn't have to do this, not now._

Spock gave him an odd look, wondering what the emotions on his face meant but unwilling to ask. Finally he turned and began the short walk into the city.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The walk was mercifully short; however by the time they arrived at the location Spock had been given Kirk was dragging his feet, sweating and exhausted. Spock had to hold his arm for the last few hundred metres to keep him upright. They were met at the door by the same Vulcan Ambassador that had spoken to them on the ship. His face was almost worried by Vulcan standards, which alarmed both Jim and Spock immediately. "Please, come in," he said. "I am Ambassador Sutik. He has been asking for you both." He stepped aside to allow them to enter, Spock practically dragging Jim through the doorway. It was blessedly cool in there, and Kirk sighed deeply in complete relief, sagging against Spock who didn't even shift his stance.

"May I offer you both refreshment?" Spock asked for water as he manoeuvred Jim into a chair, feeling the Captain's mumbled thoughts  _–Ouch fuck need to talk but-_

"Captain, you must sit still for a moment," he said, meaning – _please don't do anything stupid, don't hurt yourself more, you stubborn man._

Kirk grinned tiredly at him, waving him away with his hand. "I'm fine."

_This is the closest we've been in months,_  Jim thought, his eyes finally focusing on the Vulcan.  _He looks sad. I bet it's my fault, can't stop touching him- know what it does to Vulcans. I should stop, should let him think about Spock Prime. I wish I could just… I-_ he groaned out loud, burying his face into his hands.

_He looks tired. This is the first occasion in many weeks that we have had to be in such close proximity. I am… I am concerned that he wishes to be anywhere but here, with me. I can only assume that he wishes to break off our sexual relationship because he does not share the depth of emotion I feel for him. I wish I knew, wish I could determine if-_

His water had stood unheeded for many moments, as had the Ambassador. Flushing slightly, Spock picked up his glass, ashamed of his rudeness. He glared furiously at Kirk until he picked up his glass also, and they drank.

"My apologies, Ambassador," Spock said. "I was lost in thought."

"It is quite alright," the Vulcan replied smoothly, a hint of sympathy in his voice. "I understand that these circumstances are most trying."

_He has no idea,_  Jim and Spock thought at the same time without realising.

"Indeed," was Spock's only reply, and Sutik cleared his throat. "Gentlemen, I shall leave you to your thoughts. Ambassador Spock is in his bedroom, through the door to your left. He wishes for you both to attend him at your leisure. Live Long and Prosper."

Spock returned the gesture automatically. "Peace and Long Life, Ambassador. Thank you." Kirk just sat there, still a little fuzzy from the heat. The Ambassador left gracefully, leaving Spock and Kirk silent and awkward in his wake.

Eventually, Jim broke the silence, worried that Spock looked so lost. "Spock are…you alright?"

"I- I am, Captain."

"You look like you want to be a million miles away."

"I do."  _That was completely not the correct response._  Kirk flinched a little, and Spock realised that he had inadvertently hurt feelings. "I mean to say that I would wish different circumstances for a visit to this planet," he tried again, and Jim visibly relaxed.  _Interesting._

"Me too, Spock," Jim agreed. "I don't really know what I'm doing."

_And I really don't mean with Spock Prime, and you know it,_ he added mentally, trying to connect with Spock's eyes. Spock looked at the floor, swallowing hard.

_If you would decide what you want, then perhaps we could both move on from this awkwardness._

"Are you feeling well enough to stand?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jim laughed, standing up and immediately wobbling. Spock was at his side again in seconds, propping him up.  _How does he do that, he moves like an animal-_ was all he got before he let go.

_-and it's really sexy_.

Spock Prime's room was cooler still, almost fresh. Kirk marvelled at the architecture of Vulcan people even as he nervously moved towards the bed. Spock was stiff and straight beside him, and Jim had to fight an overwhelming urge to take his hand, to offer some comfort. The old Vulcan lay quietly, his eyes open and alert with all of the fire and passion he saw struggling to be shown in his own Spock's face- but also with deep, almost inconceivable pain and loss. Jim hoped he never had to see that in his friend.

"Jim. Spock," he said warmly, his voice throaty and quiet. "I apologise for delaying your mission."

"Do-don't worry about it," Jim managed, clearing his throat. "I cleared it with Starfleet."

"Is it true that you are dying?" Spock asked suddenly, his hands clenched tightly into fists at his sides. He looked as rigid and defensive as the first time Jim had provoked him to rage, and it scared the shit out of him.

Spock Prime smiled gently, a hollow, lost expression. "I fear it is true."

"Why?"

"I cannot continue without him," was the simple explanation. "I have lived long enough. Seeing you that first time, Jim-" his voice hitched a little "-simply brought it to my attention that I am a shell; I live though my innards have been hollowed out. I am empty."

He paused, and Spock knelt beside him, followed by Jim.

"I miss him," the old Vulcan finished, his voice barely a whisper. A tear escaped him, and he brushed it away impatiently.

"It's my fault," Kirk said, anguished.

"No, no, Jim. Never your fault." The way he said Kirk's name made him shiver all through his body. It was like a prayer, reverberating with love and affection and loss all woven together so tightly Jim couldn't tell where one emotion began and another ended. He wondered if his Spock would ever say his name like that- as though they were one being and everything was understood and forgiven between them. Spock Prime reached out one hand to touch Jim's gently, and a fleeting expression of happiness crossed his weathered features.

"You feel like him, even in your mind," he said softly. "I remember when we were so young that every touch was like fire and ice and pain, exquisite agony." Spock glanced at Kirk, his eyes dark and unreadable.

The elder Vulcan looked between them, curiously, but said nothing. Finally, he spoke.

"I would like to show you both something of my relationship with my own Jim, if you are willing."

Jim swallowed painfully. "I would be honoured."

"As would I," Spock echoed.

With a careful movement, Spock Prime sat up a little more, and reached out both hands to them. He touched their faces lightly, barely seeming to need to make the contact, and closed his eyes.

Images bloomed in their minds; fragments, moments in time-one after the other, until they mingled and became entwined with each other.

_Our lives were a series of beautiful moments. His hand clasping my shoulder, approval and warmth radiating from him like a beacon-_

_Guiding me to safety, my arm on his-fighting side by side, our bodies almost touching, our breathing in sync and our hearts as one-_

_That look he gave only me, his eyes dark and awestruck, smiling like I was the only person in the room, and the delight he showed when I returned his gaze-_

_More touching- unnecessary, our hands almost entwined, our pulses racing-barely able to look at each other for fear of rejection-_

_The first kiss- hot, messy-his hands all over my body, his touch possessive, my own body responding without knowing how-_

_His touch, the taste of him, the feel of his body against mine, under mine, my hands on him, my mouth on him-wanting more, now-always, forever together-_

_I mourn his death, my guilt overwhelming, my heart destroyed, I have killed my T'hy'la and cannot be saved-_

_Life- he is alive, my Jim- joy, such pride, wonder-mine, all mine- T'nash-veh, never again._

_There is a pause; we argue, I leave to submit to Kolinahr in a rage- sorrow, such agony to leave him but I am so scared of how he compromises me-_

_I feel him, I know he is in pain-I cannot ignore the bond-_

_Relief, shame- he still loves me, he always has and always will- again at his side, together, we make our vow again, hand in hand-_

_And then death separates us. I die knowing my Jim is broken and crying less than three inches from me, and I can do nothing –_

_But he does not accept this- he does not believe in no win scenarios and he brings me home to him- fear, anger, I do not understand who he is to do this –_

_His pain hurts me, his sorrow at my failure to recognise our bond palpable- but he does not give in, and I remember his name before my own-_

_Jim-Jim, my ashayam, my everything- together again, and we have years this time-_

Spock Prime pulled away, silent tears streaming down his aged face, as well as Spock and Kirk's. They breathed heavily, Jim especially choking back sobs as he stared at the older Vulcan, his heart aching for him. There was silence between them, no words appropriate to convey their feeling.

Spock Prime spoke again. "I would show you what I know of his death, also; if you wish to know."

They nodded, wordless, and he returned his hands to their faces.

_I was given this memory from Captain Picard, also of the USS Enterprise in the far future. It may be inaccurate, as it is his recollection. I will add my own memories._

_Kirk was on board the Enterprise-B when a distress signal was received from an energy distortion we later knew as the Nexus. Jim offered his own life to modify the ship's deflector relays; he was lost to the Nexus and presumed dead-_

_I knew he was not, as our bond remained intact throughout this; however we could not communicate and so I could not ask what was happening. We lost contact for…many, many years, and I thought him dead or lost as did the crew of the ship he had been on, despite the bond remaining whole. I mourned his loss every day._

_-He was not dead, but trapped inside the Nexus, repeating a portion of time over and over. He left the Nexus and I felt him- our bond, it flared and sparked and I knew he was alive- he died saving a planet's people, and I know he wanted it to be that way at the end-_

_-Kirk trapped under rubble, his face gaunt, streaked with blood and dirt. His assurance from Picard that he had helped, and the relief on his face, the smile despite his agony-and the message he relayed to me, just before he passed from my world. The bond thrummed with its force, with the power of thought he projected to me in his last seconds- and I felt his pain, I screamed from it, sobbing brokenly as I knew my soul died there with him. I felt every broken bone, felt every wound on my Jim's body, and I felt it gladly, knowing that I could ease his own suffering by shouldering some of the burden. It worked, his message coming through strong-_

_"I am yours, and always will be- do not mourn for me, my Spock, we are old men and our time was all I could have asked for."_

_I could only send him back the full force of my love- I was unable to form words, but still I felt his smile, and his warmth, knew he wanted me to remember his smile for only me-_

_And he was gone. The bond snapped, cold between us suddenly, and silence. The first true silence I had felt since our bonding over twenty years previously. I had never been so alone._

_I knew then as I know now that I have been merely waiting to join him._

 


	4. Chapter 4

"He always said he would die alone- but he was not; not really. I knew I would always be there with him at the end, even if it was only my thoughts."

This time Spock too was in tears; silent and stoic as always, but his eyes shone with his sobs and he leaned heavily against Kirk for support. Jim could hardly breathe, his chest tight and painful as he came back to himself, barely aware of his own tear-streaked cheeks as he felt the loss of Spock Prime's Jim as keenly as if it had been his own. He glanced at his Spock, guessing at the awful, bottomless anguish his Vulcan was feeling, and he put an arm out to steady him, Spock clinging to it with a grip so painful Kirk had to bit his lip to stop from crying out. Spock Prime said nothing for a long moment, lost in his own memories and barely even registering their presence.

Through their physical contact, Spock could feel Jim's sadness and confusion, a dull echo of the emotion but painful nonetheless. Jim's thoughts were a swirl of conflicting thoughts and panic.

_Oh god, he lost so much- how can I help him need to help, to be okay, have to- Spock, how do we fix this-_

Spock tried something which he had not previously dared, despite their sexual intimacy and their previously easy friendship. Tentatively, he sent a thought out to Kirk's mind.

_We will do whatever we can._

Jim hid his shock extremely well; only a widening of his eyes and a sharp exhale betraying him.

_How long have you been able to do that-_

_Always-_

_Fuck, if I'd known I wouldn't-_

Spock cut the connection abruptly, releasing Jim's arm from his grip. He didn't want to hear Jim's excuses about how uncomfortable he was with Spock hearing his thoughts; he had worked it out already by how little his Captain had engaged in physical contact recently.

Kirk looked distressed, but said nothing, confirming Spock's fears.

_Why would he stop talking to me? Is my mind that terrible to him, does it hurt him to touch it?_

"I do hope that I have not upset you," Spock Prime said at length. "It was not my intention."

"We're- we're fine," Jim lied, knowing that the old Vulcan almost certainly knew but was too polite to say.

Spock wiped the tears from his face almost impatiently, clearing his throat. "If we could find some way to assist you-"

"I do not think it possible," his older counterpart replied gently. "But I thank you for your concern."

Helplessly, Spock turned to Jim, his eyes dark and beseeching. Kirk could not think of any reply that would ease the suffering in that expression, so he said nothing, his own eyes locked on the Vulcan's in what he hoped was silent support. Hesitantly, he reached out to Spock again, slowly, as though he were a frightened animal; and the Vulcan sighed and leaned into the touch, every nerve ending burning with need and desperation to connect.

 _Spock-_  Jim thought carefully, trying to get his message across. – _It'll be okay, we'll work it out like we always do-_

_How can we help him, when we cannot even help ourselves?_

He sounded exhausted, a hint of terror breaking through. An image came to Kirk clearly, powerful and full of empty, hollow bitterness and sorrow.

_Jim- so close, can see his breath on the glass-his eyes so vivid, willing me to be closer but I cannot, I cannot touch him and it is killing me to watch this- his hand on the glass, pressed so hard his fingertips turn white, trembling as I will the glass to disappear so we can touch-so we can kiss-does he even know that's what it is-Jim slumping, scared and alone in there-his eyes glazing over, losing their fight and he is gone, my Jim is gone, and he said I was his friend but I am not, I allowed this to happen and now I have nothing-_

This was Jim's death, seen through the eyes of Spock, and he was overwhelmed, drowning in the intensity of Spock's emotion. Kirk felt sick, dizzy as though he was about to pass out, and Spock pulled back from the human's touch hurriedly, as though ashamed.

_Now he knows, now he sees that I cannot lose him again- I have felt as my elder counterpart is feeling- and I would rather have died than live with that knowledge of being hollow. How much worse would it have been to be bonded-but that may never be-_

_I never knew- I didn't even ask him how he felt, he watched me die and thought that was it- I had no idea how much he blames himself when it was my fault-_

Spock Prime had leaned back against his pillows silently, waiting for them to recover. Now he looked between them curiously, clearing his throat politely.

"Do I assume that you have yet to resolve your issues?" he asked after a discreet pause.

"We're fine." This time it was Spock who lied, unable to meet his counterpart's eyes.

"Indeed. I believe I need to rest," was all Spock Prime said. "Will you visit with me again tomorrow?"

"Of course," Jim replied, and they both rose to their feet as one.

He seemed to sleep almost immediately, and they left his house in respectful silence.

The heat assaulted Jim as soon as they stepped out of the door, and he groaned. "Seriously?"

It was almost unendurable after the cool of Spock Prime's home, and he narrowed his eyes against the glare hopelessly, staggering.

"We must return to the Enterprise," Spock said calmly as he contacted the ship and had them beamed aboard.

_He won't last long out here-at least the temperature is constant on the ship. And I think he means for us to talk, though I do not believe I wish to hear what he has to say._

He helped Jim to his quarters, the human recovering sufficiently to walk. He was sweating despite his brief exposure, and Spock was almost amused at how unsuited to temperature fluctuations human biology was. The door closed behind them and Spock stood beside it, his arms carefully behind his back as he waited for Jim to say whatever it was he needed.

_I believe this conversation has been approaching for a while. I did not wish for it to end this way. I will fight. I will make him understand that I cannot lose him-_

Kirk sat on the edge of his bed, pulling his shirts over his head wearily. He glanced up at Spock, his eyes troubled.

_Why is he so silent, why doesn't he want to talk to me anymore?-does he not like me now, did I do something wrong-I won't let him drift away without a fight. I can't._

"Spock-" he started finally, settling himself more comfortably on his bed. "I…need to talk to you."

"Yes, Captain."

"I- you've been distant with me lately…not yourself. I was-are you alright?" It was woefully inadequate, Jim knew it, but the words were stuck in his throat, unable to get out, unable to say  _I need you, don't stop touching me, you are mine, you must be mine forever, please-_

Spock blinked, uncomprehending. "I am…fine, Captain."

"But you- we used to be friends- before. And we still do stuff, like chess and everything, but you're not  _there_  anymore."

"I am…sorry, Captain?"  _What does he mean, why is he saying this as though he regrets it?_

_Damn it, why is he not listening to me-_

"Spock-for fuck's sake-I'm trying to tell you I miss you-"

"That is illogical as I am right here, Cap-"

"You know what I'm saying, don't play the idiot with me now Spock!"

"But Captain-"

"And call me Jim!"

" _Jim_ \- I do not understand why-"

"You won't touch me, Spock! You talk and you read with me, we play chess, but you barely  _look_  at me and you won't  _fuck_ me and you don't  _touch me and I need it, I need you to_ \- " he stopped, breathless and panicking, and averted his eyes from Spock to stare at the pile of crumpled shirts on his floor.

"You are distressed because we have not engaged in coitus-?"

"No!"

"Then I do not-"

_Unless he is suggesting what I think he may be, which would be impossible as he never initiates a conversation about our level of commitment to one another-_

_God damn this stubborn, stupid Vulcan! He has an IQ of like, a million, and he is still so thick!_

"Spock I am attempting to tell you that I- that I need you and that I want us to not be weird and to be back how we were."

"Oh."  _So no then- we were casual at best._  Spock's heart sank from the slightly hopeful flutter it had just achieved.

"No- I mean-more- I mean I want us to be…a thing, you know?"

"A…thing…Captain?"

Kirk made a frustrated gesture in the air. "Like a couple-"

"Indeed?"

Kirk glared at him. "I'm pouring out my fucking heart and you only manage indeed?"

"I am sorry that my response is inadequate, Captain-"  _The truth is, I'm completely at a loss as to how to proceed._

Jim groaned, rubbing a hand through his hair in exasperation. "You know what, maybe you should go sleep."  _This clearly isn't going well. Maybe I misjudged him, maybe he's over me-I thought with Spock Prime and everything-_

"I am not tired."

"Well, fuck off anyway."

"Captain-  _Jim-"_  and Kirk couldn't help the low buzz of arousal just hearing his name spoken by Spock gave him, despite his anger. "-I would be…amenable to this suggestion."

_I cannot stop wanting you, needing you always, you will be mine and mine alone and I will keep you safe, you will not die somewhere needlessly without me-_

Spock took that one step forward, reaching out to grasp Kirk on the shoulder, and Jim leaned into him wearily, his anger dissipating as he yawned. "We'll talk about it more tomorrow, yeah?"

"Indeed…Jim- how are we going to help my counterpart?"

"I don't know, but we have to try."

"I agree completely. Perhaps there is some form of comfort we could allow him."

"I have a plan, I think- but it can wait. Goodnight, Spock."  _I would ask you to stay with me, but-_

 _I wish you would ask me to stay-_ "Goodnight, Jim."


	5. Chapter 5

"So, what is your plan, Captain?" Spock asked the next morning, his hands clasped behind his back formally as he met Jim outside the transporter room.  _Let's assume that we didn't have that conversation._

"If it's even possible-which, I'm guessing you'll be able to tell me- I think I can give him his Jim back. Well, kinda."

"I do not understand-"

"Listen. You know the holo-deck technology, the basic programming of it, I mean?"

"I am familiar with it, yes."

"Can we create a…smaller version, like a chip or an implant or something, with that technology?"

"…Theoretically."

"Can  _you?"_

"…Theoretically. Given enough time and materials."

"We don't have either of those, but you do have Scotty. He wouldn't leave the ship."

Spock gave him a look that was half amused, half exasperated.

"I appreciate your confidence in me, Captain; however it would be an extremely delicate task, and not one I could rush. May I ask what you would do with this technology?"

"If we could program it, set certain parameters, give it commands- then we could install a program that would simulate Spock Prime's Jim. It would allow Spock Prime to believe his Kirk was alive and living with him."

"It would be in his mind only," Spock informed him.

"I know, and he would look a bit weird to other Vulcans, him talking to himself- but we could let some people know, could set it to ensure he behaved normally outside of his house, that sort of thing. And we'd ask him, first. I wouldn't force it on him."

"That…is almost logical," Spock allowed, and Jim grinned in a way that hurt the Vulcan's heart. "However I do not think I can create it in the time we have allotted."

"We have to."  _I'm not leaving this planet without making things right. With you, as well._

"Very well."  _He seems set on trying this. Perhaps it is possible._   _It seems I am unable to refuse him._ "If you believe it is the correct course."

"Spock," Jim said softly as they prepared to beam down. "I  _have_  to help him. I felt- I knew how he feels, how awful it is to be emptied out. I couldn't imagine it being that way forever."

"I can."

It was what Spock  _wasn't_  saying that made Jim stare at him intently, realisation finally dawning. He had seen his own death through Spock. Spock had felt like that before Jim was brought back. Despite all of Kirk's inner doubts and worries, he could not dispute the depth of feeling Spock had gone through for him, because  _he'd_  lost his own Jim and didn't see a way out of the darkness.

"Spock, I-"  _I'm sorry._

"It is of no consequence."

_It is. I should have never doubted you-_

_Perhaps he can begin to understand now-_

"Energise."

The planet was hotter than yesterday, or so it seemed to Kirk. He had barely taken a few steps before the back of his uniform shirt was damp with sweat.

"Captain, you did not bring adequate protection?"

"Forgot. Didn't sleep well."  _Couldn't stop thinking about you._

_He does look rather tired,_  Spock noted as he walked beside him.  _I hope he is not becoming ill._

"I also had trouble achieving sleep," the Vulcan admitted.  _I was thinking about you and what you said._

Jim looked concerned, even as sweat began to break out at his temples. "Yeah? You alright?"

"I am well, Captain."

"Better than me, then," the human grunted as he stumbled, blinded by the bright sunlight.

"Please take care," Spock sighed.

Spock Prime's house was once again blissfully cool. It appeared as though the old Vulcan was still asleep, and Spock nodded as though in satisfaction.

"What?"

"We should prepare the morning meal for him," Spock replied, already gathering fruit. "It is tradition."

"Oh, right," Kirk said, bemused. "Can I…uh, do anything?"

"You can squeeze this." Spock threw a fruit to him that was unrecognisable; reddish and strong smelling even whole.

"The hell is this?"

"Yon-savas," came the distracted reply as Spock began slicing fruit and arranging it delicately. "You could call it fire-fruit in Standard. Squeeze it. If my counterpart is similar to me, he will enjoy the juice."

Jim grimaced and did as asked, pouring the juice into a tall, elegant glass. It looked pretty, he conceded, even if it did smell like a weird mixture of every citrus fruit ever. He handed it to Spock silently, who placed it on a tray with the fruit he had prepared. He drizzled something that looked like honey over the top, and carried it with him to the older Vulcan's room.

Kirk followed behind.

Spock Prime pushed himself up to a sitting position when they entered, smiling a little at Spock as he set down the tray for him.

"Nemaiyo," he said warmly, although he barely touched his food. "I am glad to see you both again."

"The Captain has an idea he wishes to share with you," Spock said without preamble, kneeling beside the bed. Kirk followed suit quickly, assuming it was a ritual rather than the lack of chairs in the room.

"Indeed?"

"I- I think I may have found a way to help you," Jim said uncertainly, his idea sounding ridiculous now he was saying it aloud.

The old Vulcan raised an enquiring eyebrow, but did not interrupt, and Jim swallowed, attempting to put his plan into words.

"I would like to build an implant which would allow you to continue your life with your Jim," he said slowly. "Like…a holodeck simulation, but in your mind- you would believe he was here with you, would be able to talk with him, touch him- uh- anything- with physical sensation as well. I think we could rig it so your bond wouldn't know the difference-" he glanced at Spock, who shrugged but nodded his head slightly "-and we could fix it so that you could function as normal when you're out of the house," Jim finished in a rush, feeling himself redden slightly under Spock Prime's scrutiny.

There was a long, painful silence where Kirk felt he had to hold his breath.

Eventually, Spock Prime smiled, a terrible, sad expression on his old face. "You are so like my Jim," he said softly. "He too would always look for the physical help he could give; the practical solution to any problem."

"Is that a yes?" Jim blurted out before he could stop himself.

"I do not know. I will have to meditate on it, I think," the old Vulcan said gently. "It is a kind offer, and one I would have expected of my own Captain had he still been here; however it is a…difficult thing to decide. Would you perhaps leave me and allow me my thoughts?"

"Of course," Spock replied quietly, standing and helping Jim to his feet easily. He caught the flash of surprise in Kirk's mind – _huh, that was weird-_ before he let go and gave the Vulcan salute to his elder counterpart. Jim copied him clumsily and Spock couldn't hide his smirk of amusement, Spock Prime managing to keep a straight face but with a gleam of the same amusement in his eyes which made Jim ache to see how similar they were.  _I must break his heart every time he speaks to me,_  he thought wretchedly.  _How can he bear to look at me, to call me Jim when I am not his, I am wrong to him._

"I am sure I will see you both soon," Spock Prime said, which was clearly a dismissal. The pair left quietly, Jim's head buzzing with his plan and desperation to help.

"Do you think we can do it?" he asked Spock as soon as they were out of earshot and back into the glaring heat.

"I do not know," Spock allowed. "However, I believe I will find out soon."

"That's not comforting," Kirk groaned, good-naturedly shoving at Spock's shoulder and grinning when the Vulcan barely even shifted.

"Was that an attempt at a bonding ritual, Captain?" He said it with enough of a smile that Jim knew he was being humorous, and the Captain shook his head without dropping the grin. "Indeed it was, Commander."

"I believe it failed."

"I do apologise." They beamed back to the ship and went straight to Spock's quarters to discuss plans.

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Spock, fucking hell- I'm trying to explain this and you're just being-"

"Captain I am being logical. Your plan is unlikely to succeed as it is currently, and therefore I am suggesting ways in which we could modify it to become more viable. I do not see how this is worthy of crude language."

"You're infuriating!"

Kirk banged his hand flat against the table, glaring at Spock. "I can't get a word in edgeways with you, you stuck up, arrogant, irritating son of a bitch-"

"I must warn you that if you continue to insult my parentage I will put you down."

It was roughly one hour later, and all discussion of the implant had deteriorated into argument.

"Yeah? Well maybe if you  _fucking listened_  I wouldn't have to insult your damned mother-"

Spock stood, his hands trembling, and narrowed his eyes at Kirk. "Captain, my attempts to improve the faulty design of your idea are not a reason for your disrespectful language towards my mother-"

"Well shit, Spock, it's not like she can hear me-" he knew that was the worst thing he could have said as soon as the words left his mouth, Spock's eyes suddenly that dangerous black that meant he was getting fucked or killed- and either one was likely to be as dangerous. He stood, taking a hasty step back, but it was too late and the Vulcan had his hands wrapped around Jim's throat before he could take in another breath, both of them hitting the ground with a painful thud. The panic in Jim's mind was immediate,

- _SpockstopI'msorryI'msorry-_

but Spock resolutely ignored it, squeezing tightly at Kirk's neck. Finally Jim managed to push back against Spock, scrabbling desperately at his shoulders for purchase and shoving the Vulcan away. He lifted his knees protectively, kicking out with both feet and sending Spock falling backwards. Instantly he leapt, straddling the Vulcan and punching him hard in the jaw, repeatedly slamming his fist into Spock's face until he felt blood spray from his nose.

Spock grabbed Jim's wrists, easily stopping his blows, and glared up at him with murderous fury.

_Fuck I'm gonna get it-_  Kirk thought in panic as Spock twisted his wrists painfully, throwing Jim onto his back again and pinning him down with his body pressed tight against the human's.

_You will regret your words,_  Spock thought, the message coming through to Jim clearly.

_I'm sorry I was stupid I didn't mean-_

_You never mean anything. That is the entire issue. You do not say what you feel, you do not discuss us or our relationship with any real commitment- and that is the word you fear most, is it not, Jim? Commitment. Your words yesterday- they were pretty, but nothing has come of them, as always._

Jim struggled against Spock but he was too strong; and worse, the friction and the closeness of the Vulcan after so long was beginning to make him uncomfortably hard. He tried to concentrate on the situation.

_Spock- I can't do this now-_  Jim whined desperately, frustrated and stupidly aroused. Spock's face was inches from his, his eyes black and savage, and it made Jim ache to remember the last time they were like this; the last time they had fucked before this whole mess had started, back when they weren't trying to talk about their feelings. He pushed his hips up, attempting to subtly gain friction, but Spock was not allowing it, his body rigid and unforgiving against Jim.

Spock was almost overwhelmed with the rush of images from Jim's mind; a chaotic whirl of them, of Spock taking Kirk painfully, brutal and animalistic; of Jim twisting his hands in the sheets, arching his back in exquisite agony; of Spock's own face as he came, his eyes almost slits and his mouth open in a silent snarl- and more, so many, a mess of confused memories and frustrated, needy lust. It made Spock shudder, his anger becoming entwined with Jim's arousal- and his own, the images pushing themselves into his head almost too much to bear after so long without fucking Kirk.

He growled low in his throat, grinding his hips against Jim's painfully and curling his lip at the pathetic, breathy whine that Kirk gave. He hated that the human could do this, could twist his anger and his hatred into desire and want and  _need_  to touch and claim and keep forever- it was not logical, and it was not useful if Kirk was not willing to  _be_  only his.

_Please Spock need you-_

_You will be silent._

Spock couldn't deal with Kirk's emotions right now. They were conflicting, confusing and confused themselves. Clearly Jim didn't know what he wanted, let alone how to get there. Spock growled low in his throat and grabbed at Jim's clothes, almost tearing the fabric in an attempt to remove them as quickly as possible. He threw Kirk's boots behind them carelessly, dragging off his trousers without waiting for permission, and then pushed the human onto his back again before taking off his own clothing. Jim looked up at him, breathing hard; he couldn't decide if he was terrified or aroused and it was a heady, intoxicating mixture that he couldn't resist.

Spock gave him a dark, dangerous look as he returned to Jim, crawling up his body like a predator and straddling him again. He gripped Jim's wrists tightly, digging his nails painfully into the soft skin, and lowered his head to the human's ear. "You are a coward," he said softly, as though whispering endearments. "You pretend to be arrogant and reckless and brave, but you are scared-  _terrified-_  that one day you will find yourself in a meaningful relationship and  _like_  it." Spock squeezed his wrists tighter. "I am _not_  disposable. I am  _not_  another conquest,  _Captain._  I have had enough."

Jim groaned, pushing with his feet on the floor to try and escape, but Spock was stronger and held firm. "Bath'paik, Jim," Spock snarled. "I will have you whether or not you resist."

Kirk stilled for only a moment, making a decision. His cock was still achingly hard, sliding against Spock's own erection maddeningly as the Vulcan pinned him down.

Finally, after a long, silent moment, he made his choice, leaning his head up as far as he could to kiss Spock, desperate and frustrated and needy. Spock immediately deepened the kiss, making it brutal and possessive until Kirk's head was swimming and he had to pull back to gasp in a breath.  _Please Spock fucking hell need this- so long-need you-_

_Ikap'uh t'du ru'lut. I do not wish to hear your noise or your excuses._

_But –_

Spock released his wrists, shifting back to kneel between Kirk's thighs. "Turn over. I do not wish to see your face."

Jim did as he was told, his face hot with humiliation. Spock pulled him by the hips until he was on all fours, and pushed his knees apart with disdain. Jim lowered his head and waited quietly, desperately wanting to ask for more but unable to make the words.  _He doesn't believe I want him. He doesn't think I would give anything to be his- how did I hurt him so much without trying?_

"You are lucky I do not wish to make this experience less enjoyable for myself," Spock said from behind him. He spat into his hand and spread it over his cock before pushing his still slick fingers into Kirk- not enough, Jim moaning and trying to push back against him. "Please-"

"I told you to be quiet, did I not?" The fingers were removed instantly, replaced with a sharp slap that made Jim's eyes sting.

Grabbing at Kirk's hips roughly, his fingers digging into the human's flesh hard enough to bruise, Spock thrust powerfully into Jim, relishing the howl of pain he could not hide. He began to fuck the Captain savagely, reaching forward to twist one hand into Jim's hair, dragging his head back almost painfully just so he could hear the human choke for breath. Jim was almost sobbing, the pain blinding and intense for a long, dreadful minute before it began to subside, becoming first an ache and then intense, thrumming pleasure as he adjusted and relaxed, pushing back to meet Spock's brutal thrusts.

Spock snarled, letting go of Jim's hair and dragging blunt nails down his back as he slammed into Kirk again and again, wanting to hear him sob, wanting to feel his desperation and his need through their physical bond before he allowed him release.

_Please Spock I can't, I need- I need to come, I-_

_You will come when I allow it._

_Please-_

Spock smirked a little in dark satisfaction at the complete surrender in that thought, reaching around Kirk and wrapping his hand around the human's cock, moving in time with his own bruisingly hard thrusts until Jim was shuddering and breathless, his orgasm almost exquisitely painful . It transferred to Spock as an intense wave of pleasure that forced him over the edge as well, coming deep inside the Captain with a wordless, guttural growl.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Spock rolled onto his back silently, staring at the ceiling. He was angry again, the lust and need that had overwhelmed him gone almost instantly in the wake of his orgasm.  _Why must I allow myself to be so affected by him? He is illogical- and worse, he makes me illogical also. He is emotionally stunted, clearly- unable to allow himself to commit and completely childlike in regards to conversations he does not wish to have. I wish desperately that I could give up; that I did not want him to be mine completely, body and soul despite the obvious lack of response._

Jim crawled to his feet, pained and furious. He gathered his clothes and dragged them on, wincing and cursing silently to himself. He glared at Spock, but the Vulcan was lost in his own thoughts and barely even seemed to notice as Jim left his quarters.

_Fucking bastard- he didn't even let me explain- just assumed I was going to make excuses. Well fuck him- I don't have to take that shit from a fucking Vulcan. He can fucking deal with it himself._

Jim stopped, leaning against the wall of his ship to steady his mind.  _But- I can't. I need him like I need to breathe. Just touching him makes me feel like I'm drowning and he's the only solid thing within reach._

_Fuck._

_Why is he such a stubborn bastard?_

_Why am I such a coward? Is it so incomprehensible that someone might actually like me enough to stay for once?_

_Of course it is-_  and this voice was not his but the man who had made his childhood a nightmare, every waking moment. – _You are a worthless little shit; of course he doesn't like you. He'd be mad to want to touch you, never mind anything else._

Kirk went into his own quarters, suddenly exhausted and drained, and was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. His dreams were troubled.

The next morning- or whatever passed for morning on the Enterprise- Jim met Spock in Engineering to discuss the implant with Scotty. They studiously ignored each other except for the most formal conversations, until even the Chief Engineer could feel the tension between them.

"Is everything all right, Captain?" he asked tentatively.

"Yes. Everything is fine."  _Everything is wrong._

"Indeed."

"Ah. Okay then. Just feeling a wee bit of tension, if you-"

"No tension Scotty. Now, this implant."  _Please don't make me talk about this now._

"Aye, Captain. As I said, it's perfectly possible to make it, with a bit of time-"

"We do not have time, Mr. Scott," Spock chimed in. "Our scheduled departure date is tomorrow, and I do not believe we can delay for too long."

"But Mr. Spock, it's a delicate procedure! One mistake and your Spock Prime will be seeing pink mice instead of his Jim!"

"Work it out, Scotty- if anyone can make this work, you can. You have to." Kirk gave him a sheet of paper with the parameters and special instructions written neatly on it. "These are non-negotiable things- you don't need to program what Jim looks or sounds like, or how he behaves- Spock Prime's brain will do all of that. You just have to make sure he doesn't talk to himself or behave oddly in front of other Vulcans. After all, it will only be him who can see his Jim; to everyone else he would just look mad."

"Aye, Captain. But-"

"Scotty." Kirk patted the engineer's shoulder. "Please."

"I'll do my best, Captain," he replied dutifully, looking doubtfully at the long list in his hand.

"I will remain with you," Spock said, not even looking at Kirk. "We may be able to speed the process sufficiently."

"Good, good," Jim said absently. "I'm sure you'll both do great. I'll beam down, see if our elderly friend is okay."

Neither man acknowledged him, both bent over the desk and deep in conversation.

* * *

Spock Prime was out of bed and in his living area when Kirk arrived, his head whirling and confused. He needed so desperately to talk, to speak to someone who would understand-and Spock Prime seemed like the only option.

_Maybe he can tell me why I'm so fucked up,_  he thought bitterly.

"Jim," the old Vulcan said warmly. He looked and sounded exhausted, more so even than just a few days ago. His eyes were more distant, too-he looked resigned and sorrowful to Jim's mind; and his chest tightened uncomfortably, his eyes threatening tears that he blinked back.

"Spock," he replied, voicing none of these observations.

"You are troubled?" Spock Prime tilted his head slightly, a gesture so like his own Spock that Jim shifted uncomfortably on his feet and ran a hand through his hair, wondering if this was a good idea.

"We're working on that implant I was talking about-" he started lamely, and Spock Prime raised his eyebrow.

"Indeed?"

"It'll be finished in time,"  _I hope._

"I have meditated upon this idea for several hours. I believe I would be honoured to accept it as a gift."

"You know that it won't extend your natural lifespan? It'll – well hopefully, it should mend your bond at least partially and give you the rest of your natural life believing your Jim is alive- you can touch him and smell him and all the rest. To you, it will be exactly as though he were here with you."

"And to the rest of my people?"

"Well-" Jim shrugged, gesturing helplessly. "You'll look a bit mad."

The old Vulcan almost smiled. "You are so like him."

Kirk grinned at him, pleased despite his deep sorrow for the older man. "From you, I'll take that as the biggest compliment I'll ever get."

"Indeed."

"We're going to tell a few people- the ambassador we spoke to, your father and a few higher officials- just so that you will be left in peace. Scotty's going to try and work out a way to let you function normally in your work without looking like you're losing your mind."

Spock Prime nodded slowly. "I understand."

They both stood in awkward silence for a long moment until the elderly Vulcan almost smiled again. "Now would you like to unburden yourself of your real troubles?"

"Uh-" Jim said, grimacing.

"May I speculate?"

"Please."

"I theorise that you are here regarding me- your version of me, of course."

"You theorise right."

"What is the matter, Jim?" and the warmth, the love in that name even though he was the wrong Jim and he was not worth the affection or the consideration given to him, made him cry. Mortified, he tried to choke it back, blinking furiously and scrubbing at his eyes with his hands; but the tears continued to fall, his breath hitching painfully with each sob until he gave up, his whole body sagging under the weight of his pain and frustration. He didn't know when exactly it was that Spock Prime hugged him; suddenly he was aware of deceptively strong, cool arms around him and he leaned hard into the Vulcan's chest, clinging to him like a child and unable to stop the tears now that they had begun. Spock Prime said nothing, merely allowing Jim to cry until he shook, exhausted and drained and quiet, feeling emptied out and used.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, pulling himself away from the Vulcan who smelled so much like his own Spock- dry, warm, almost like cinnamon. He looked at his feet and tried to remember how to breathe.

"You do not need to apologise, Jim. Do you not think I have done the same countless times for my own t'hy'la?"

"He cried on you like an idiot too?"

"More than he would have allowed many people to think," came the reply, with a raised eyebrow indicating affection.  _I'm learning to read Vulcan eyebrows._

"You are aggrieved. I could not help but glean the uppermost thoughts in your mind when you were crying," he continued. "I apologise."

Jim shook his head. "I'm getting used to it, I guess."

"You do not feel as though you deserve- what? I could not understand. It felt like you meant everything."

"I did."

"I am…unsure as to what you mean."

"I'm a total fuck up and I disappoint everyone who gives me a chance."

"I do not see how this is possible; are you not Captain of the Enterprise? Does your crew not follow you with the utmost loyalty? I have witnessed nothing of you which I consider to be a "fuck up" as you put it."

Jim groaned, rubbing his face. "I disappointed Admiral Pike. I disappointed my mother and that bastard who tried to replace my father. I ran- I run away from every problem, trying to cheat death even when I can't. I hurt Spock- I don't know  _how_  but he's hurting bad and it's my fault and I can't seem to fix it and I don't even know how to tell him that I –" he stopped dead, shutting his mouth quickly.

"Have you told him how you feel?"

"Of course not- he barely even looks at me anymore. He's been getting more and more withdrawn since we started- having…sex."

"Indeed?"

"Yeah. It was great, at first- he's the best- well, y'know. But it's like he doesn't want to any more, like I disgust him or something-"

"I have to assure you; that is far from the truth."

"So what did I do?"

Spock Prime touched his shoulder gently. "I fear your reputation, and your fear of discussing this with him, have conspired to give your Spock the impression that you do not wish to be –or are not capable of being- in a committed relationship."

"But he won't let me explain that-"

"He is terrified of your rejection," the old Vulcan said softly, his eyes far away.

"So he doesn't hate me?"

Spock Prime looked at him-  _really_  looked at him, as though he was the only person in the whole world. His eyes were dark suddenly, full of deep, powerful emotion, and Jim was lost, looking into eyes that were his own Spock's and not, at once young and terribly ancient.

"Jim," he said intently. "Spock could no more hate you than he could hate me; to do so would be to deny a huge, vital part of his own soul. My Jim watched me die as your Spock watched you, and believe me, a part of him died with you that day. He is scared; scared of losing you again, scared that you do not feel the same as him, and scared of the emotion you rouse in him. It is a daily, constant battle for your Spock to control the deep, overwhelming  _feeling_  that runs through him; and you,  _you_  are the catalyst for that emotion, and the reason he fails so often and so spectacularly."

"I love him."

"I know. But he does not."

"Your Jim loved you."

The old Vulcan gave him a strange, almost grateful look. "I know. I came to terms with my own emotion in time to receive the wonderful gift of several years with my Captain. I suggest you allow your own lives to be much longer and richer than we could."

"Thank you."

"Good luck. And Jim-?"

"Yeah?"

"If you are as like my own Jim as you seem to be, you are not worthless. You are not a disappointment to your Spock. You are a good, compassionate man. Stubborn, strong willed, and reckless, perhaps- but you are everything he needs, and everything your ship deserves."

"…Thanks, Spock. I-I'll be back with that implant, I promise."

"I shall await you."

 


	8. Chapter 8

Jim spent a few hours on New Vulcan, wandering lost in thought and trying to keep to the shade. The afternoon heat barely seemed to abate in that time, despite evening beginning to draw in. Finally, he went to find Doctor McCoy, a sudden moment of realisation hitting him- how would the implant be placed without a doctor? And he wanted the best damned one he could find for the job, even if it meant cutting Bones' shore leave short.

"Damn it Jim, I think this is possibly the most ridiculous idea you've ever had," the doctor grumbled as Kirk outlined his plan. "I don't even know if I  _can_ mess around in that Vulcan brain safely." He sipped at his bright green drink slowly, languidly stretched out across a long seat in the shade.

"Bones, please- you're the only one I'd trust-"

"I didn't say I wouldn't do it, you annoying son-of-a-bitch. I said I  _shouldn't._  And you're ruining my holiday, in case you care."

"Thanks, Bones."

"Thank me when he's coherent again. I'll meet you at the transporter room tomorrow morning. I at least want to finish this drink." The doctor sighed and turned back to his glass like a long lost lover, and Jim rolled his eyes as he left.

By the time Jim beamed up to the Enterprise, he had managed to regain some control of himself. He still echoed with Spock Prime's words, and couldn't help wondering if they could really be true.

But he had seen no lie in the old Vulcan's eyes, and no trace of anger in his voice- so  _he_  at least must

have believed what he told the Captain. If only Jim could work out how to believe it himself.

He had to speak to Spock. That was all he could do to try and fix the mess he'd managed to get them both into- again. Perhaps Spock Prime had been wrong, and his Spock did not feel the same- but he would never know until he fucking grew up and  _asked_ instead of behaving like a brat.

\--

He found Spock and Scotty hunched over a table in engineering, a dazzling, flexible light above them. Scotty was screwing something infinitely tiny into what looked to Kirk like a circuit board, his eyes obscured by a pair of thick magnifying goggles. Spock was inches away from the chip, focused intently on it as he watched the other man work. They were silent; a tense, expectancy in the air. Jim found himself hanging back in the doorway, not willing to chance disturbing them at their crucial stage. He barely dared to breathe in case he ruined their entire day's work.

Finally, Spock leaned back, blinking hard as his eyes readjusted.

"You may enter now, Captain," he said softly as Scotty put down his tools, pushing the goggles up onto his forehead and blowing out a relieved breath. "I think we've got it," the engineer said proudly, grinning at Spock.

"Indeed."

"Sorry- I didn't want to mess it up," Jim said as he stepped forward. "It looked tense."

"That was the last bit," Mr. Scott informed him. "Just a wee bit tricky, getting the screw to stay in when it was so small."

"We magnetised the screw briefly to ensure it attached," Spock interjected, looking pleased.

"So it's finished?"

"Regrettably not, Captain. We must continue to test all connections and then run the implant through a computer test to ensure safety. It will take approximately five point three more hours, assuming everything is correct."

"Oh. I kinda wanted to talk to you, Spock."

"I am afraid it must wait, Captain. I  _must_  continue to assist Mr. Scott with the implant."

"Of course Spock, you're right. I'll be in my quarters if you- if you need me."

"Yes, Captain." The Vulcan barely even glanced at him, returning immediately to scrutinising the chip on the table between them.

_Don't be melodramatic, you idiot. You know he was telling the truth._

The knowledge of this did not stop the sinking feeling he had in his stomach as he headed back to his quarters, locking the door behind him and pulling his clothes off in silence. He dropped onto the bed gratefully, sighing and folding his arms under his head.  _Okay, Jim. Don't be an ass. Spock has to help, or this implant won't work. He's not avoiding you- more than usual, anyway. Just work it out tomorrow._

_But fuck- what if this goes to shit- what if Spock Prime is wrong and Spock is just one more person to add to the list of people I've pissed off- of people who got sick of me? I couldn't stay on this ship if-_

He shook himself angrily, pulling the covers up and turning onto his side like a petulant child.

This position didn't last long, Kirk finally falling asleep sprawled on his back with his limbs tangled in the sheets.

\---

 

He awoke in a foul mood, his sleep having been restless and interrupted by nightmares- vague, chaotic dreams full of darkness and remembered pain. He had been having these dreams more frequently recently, and it was troubling him.

Stretching, his muscles popping and creaking alarmingly, Jim blinked sleep from his eyes and went to take a shower- with real water. Sonic wouldn't cut it today.

The hot water soothed him somewhat, the dream fading quickly as he stood under the shower, leaning back against the wall as he attempted to feel at least  _almost_ prepared for the day ahead. His gut twisted anxiously, his mind racing through options and possibilities- would the implant work? Would Spock Prime accept the procedure? What if he changed his mind after all of this effort?

And Spock-his own Spock- how the hell was he going to make this conversation happen? And  _when?_

Reluctantly, he turned the water off, shivering at the sudden loss of heat.  _I'm sure I won't be missing the heat when I get back down to Vulcan,_  he thought wryly as he grabbed a towel and dried himself off. Once he was dressed, he headed off to the transporter room to meet the others, his heart racing nervously.

They were already waiting, Bones carrying a compact medical bag and looking decidedly sunburned as well as angry.

"Jim!" he said irritably. "You're late."

"Sorry, Bones. I was thinking."

"Well, there's a first time for everything. Let's get on with this, shall we?"

"Do you have the implant, Spock?"

"I do, Captain. It appears to be in perfect working order. I calculate a ninety-eight point seven percent chance of success." The Vulcan held out his hand, the chip looking small and far too fragile to be of any use to Jim's eyes.

"That'll have to do, I guess. Energise."


	9. Chapter 9

They beamed down into glaring heat again, Jim groaning instantly and shading his eyes.

"I am somewhat at a loss to understand why you are still refusing to wear adequate sun protection, Captain," Spock said irritably.

"Sorry," Jim said, surprised into an apology- "I've had other things on my mind."

"As have we all. I have taken the time to contact Ambassador Sutik and inform him of the situation. He has given me his word that Spock Prime will be given peace and privacy unless he is needed. He will also use his influence to cover any mistakes or issues we did not foresee. I have also informed my own father- our father, I should say- of the presence of Spock Prime. He has…reluctantly given his assistance also. I presumed- correctly, it seems- that you would not take the initiative and do so yourself."

"I was going to!"

"Now is not the time, you idiots," Bones growled, stalking past them with an air of impatience. "Come on."

They followed in silence, chastened somewhat. Jim tried to make eye contact with Spock several times on the short walk to the old Vulcan's house, but he was concentrating on his PADD, checking settings and completing the final calibrations on the implant, and did not glance up.

_I can feel his eyes on me. I wonder what he wishes to say? I believe he regrets our sexual encounter. I too, regret the circumstances. I lost control. I must not do so again. He seemed angry afterwards- perhaps I was mistaken in assuming his consent? He did not seem unaroused... I find human emotion complex, this is a weakness I must seek to correct. I fail to understand how he can not wish to be mine and mine alone and yet display such emotion in response to my presence._

_Fuck, why won't he look at me? I have to know- have to see his eyes. I need to know if he hates me, if he wishes I was someone, anyone else right now. I need to touch him-fuck I need him to know, need to tell him how I feel- I figured it out and now I can't even tell him? This sucks._

\---  


Spock Prime was waiting for them in the living area of his home; immaculately dressed in black traditional Vulcan robes and looking more dignified and aware than he had been for some time. He greeted them almost formally before he relaxed into his usual demeanour. Jim and Spock felt as though they were meeting him for the first time, both straightening their backs as one and standing to attention before their elder.

"Captain. Doctor. Spock," Spock Prime said finally, a hint of a smile on his aged face. "I believe you have a gift for me?"

"We do," Spock replied carefully, opening his hand to reveal the tiny metal implant.

"It is an impressive feat of engineering," Spock Prime acknowledged. "I presume Mr. Scott had a hand in this?"

"He designed many of the integral features."

"And Doctor," the old Vulcan continued. "You know why you are here?"

"I'm here because I can't seem to do the sensible thing and say no to my damned superior officer, Spock," Bones grumbled good naturedly. He looked pleased despite himself to see the Vulcan looking so alert. After a pause, he added, "And I'm honoured to be able to help you, sir."

"I could not ask for a more skilled pair of hands, Doctor McCoy. Shall we?"

"Do you have a table I can use?"

\---  


Ten minutes later, the table scrubbed and ready, Spock Prime was assisted onto its surface by Kirk and Spock. Doctor McCoy was already unpacked, all nerves disappearing as he slid carefully into professional mode in order to avoid thinking about who it was he was operating on.

"I'm going to give you a local anaesthetic, Spock," he said briskly, doing so as he spoke. "It'll numb that head of yours so you won't feel a thing. I need you to be awake, I'm afraid – got to make sure you're not going to end up like a vegetable."

"I am aware of the risks, Doctor. Please proceed."

Bones shot a glance at Jim as he prepared to make the incision, his eyes wide with panic for only the briefest of moments. With one deep breath and one blink, he was back in business mode, and the operation began.

\---  


It took a little over three hours; by the end, Bones was sweating and mad-eyed, his hands steady as ever but his entire face a rictus of concentration. Jim was pacing like a caged animal, and Spock sat rigidly in a chair, his hands neatly folded in his lap. Anyone would think he was perfectly calm, but Jim could see the tension knotted in his powerful shoulder muscles, could see the slight trembling of his fingers where they were tangled together.

"Can you move your right hand, Spock?"

"Yes."

"And your left?"

"Yes."

"Good…that's good. And nothing feels odd?"

"I feel perfectly normal."

"Alright. I'm going to connect this now- if all goes well, you should feel your bond seem to reconnect, and then- well, we'll see."

With a painstakingly slow movement, McCoy connected the last nerve ending to the implant, swearing under his breath all the while. Spock and Jim stopped dead, watching intently as the doctor closed the incision and stepped back.

There was a terrible moment of complete and utter  _blankness_  on Spock Prime's face. The silence hung in the air, palpable and heavy, and neither Jim, McCoy nor Spock dared move for fear of breaking the spell.

Finally, jarringly loud in the silent room, Spock Prime sat up, laughing.  _Actually laughing._  Kirk could barely believe it. The old Vulcan looked delighted, his face beautiful and young again as he almost seemed to glow from within, his eyes focused intently on a spot just behind Jim's shoulder. He slid to the stone floor easily and walked past them all to where he clearly was perceiving his Jim to be, smiling completely naturally. His eyes were warm, alive; the loss and desolation gone instantly from him. Even his stance, his whole presence, became at once commanding and proud. He placed his hands in mid-air, and Spock presumed he was holding his Jim's shoulders as he began to speak in a low, gentle voice.

"Where have you been, T'hy'la? I thought all was lost….forgive me, forgive me, Captain, I should never have given up on you-you would not leave me alone, not without saying goodbye-  _Jim-_ " and Kirk shuddered, painfully blinking back tears as all of the emotion and beauty and power came rushing out in that one word, the meaning so clear to everyone in the room – _mine, my love, my most beautiful Captain, always- always mine, forever, never parted-_ that even Spock felt the hairs on the nape of his neck rise like static. Jim sobbed silently, a choking, heaving wrench that left him dizzy for a long moment.

When he recovered, he found Spock's arm wrapped around his shoulder, strong and comforting. He looked up at his Vulcan with a grateful smile, and Spock nodded at him, tears shining in his eyes, before turning his gaze back to his elder counterpart, who was engaged in a conversation with the mental image of his bondmate. Jim imagined he could almost  _see_  his older self, could see him laughing and joking with Spock Prime, his hands around the Vulcan's waist and his head leaning on his shoulder as though he belonged there and always would. The old Vulcan was nodding gently, his hands moving in the air as though stroking through his Captain's hair, his voice a low hum as he murmured loving words that Kirk could not quite catch but Spock heard every syllable of.

"My ashayam, all that I am and will ever be- you burn brighter than any I have known. You should see yourself, my Jim- look, over there- he is beautiful, and open, and so human, just as you are. His eyes hold both your innocence and your terrible, righteous fury. I saw so much of you in him that my heart ached with it." Spock Prime lowered his head as though nuzzling his Kirk's shoulder. "But you are with me; and we shall never again be parted. I will not allow it. I am sorry I let you go, k'hat'n'dlawa."

Spock swallowed, finding it difficult to breathe for a moment, his chest tight and his pulse elevated.  _Their love is purer than logic_ , he found himself thinking stupidly.  _It has more meaning._  Never before had he realised this; that love was not something you could file away, categorise neatly, but something spontaneous and raw- full of uncomfortable emotion but necessary, as necessary and as innate as breathing.  _Is this why my Jim finds it so difficult to connect with me? Am I so cold that I cannot be loved in this manner?_

Spock looked down at Kirk, seeing him as though for the first time. He remembered his animosity towards him at first, recalled it becoming respect, and friendship- and then more, his control becoming blurred and shaken by this human who felt everything so deeply and immediately, on the surface at all times.

_Have I let him slip from my grasp? Is it possible that I have lost him in my clumsy attempts to claim him as my own?_

And then Jim snuggled a little closer into his supporting arm, a soft sigh escaping him, and Spock heard the surface thoughts of the human as a whisper-  _wish he would do this more, I miss him touching me like I'm worth something-_

Did he not realise? Could he really not understand everything he was, everything he meant to Spock and the crew? Spock sent a thought fiercely through their physical link-  _Do not think such things. You mean more to me than I have words for- you are my Captain, and my friend-_

_-Huh? Shit, you got that. I'm a fuck up, Spock- everyone I know leaves me, or dies, or goes off planet to get away from me- I'm a worthless piece of shit and you should know that, that's why you've been avoiding me, isn't it?_

- _Do not be melodramatic, Captain. I believed that you were not interested in an exclusive relationship due to your lack of emotional communication with me._

_-You fucking idiot, I was terrified you'd leave-_

_-I could no more do that than grow an extra leg._

_-I know that now, Spock – the other Spock- told me when I freaked out on him. I've been trying to talk to you-_

_-later._

Spock Prime was sitting now, his hands curled around the air as though holding onto his Jim's hand for dear life. He radiated peace and happiness, completely lost in the mental construct of his Captain's eyes. It was as though the others had ceased to exist for him. Jim could understand that. It was how he felt when he looked at Spock.

McCoy nudged them, his bag neatly packed away again. "We should leave," he said quietly, and Jim nodded.

Spock Prime rose suddenly, moving towards them with his left hand held out to his side, the first two fingers raised- a Vulcan kiss, Spock recognised, the mental Jim beside him probably doing the same.

"My friends, you are leaving?" the old Vulcan asked- though he hardly looked old now, his face shining with his love.

"We are," McCoy confirmed, smiling. "We must ask to take our leave of you both, with apologies."

Spock Prime looked searchingly at his younger self. "Take care of your Captain."

"I shall."

"And you, Jim- you must make every moment count."

"I will," Kirk replied with a small grin. "You – two – take care."

"I am serious. You cannot fathom how quickly it can end before it barely begins; do not wait for fate to arrive at your door."

The three left, heads lowered in thought.

"You're sure Sutik will know how to deal with this?" Jim asked quietly as they beamed up to the ship.

"I briefed him very thoroughly. He will ensure that all protocols are working correctly in order for Spock to continue with his duties on New Vulcan."

"I hope so, or the Vulcan population is in for a strange sight," Bones chuckled. "Their logic wouldn't be able to cope."

"I regret that I must agree with the Doctor," Spock deadpanned.

"I think I'm dead, Jim. Feel my pulse."

 


	10. Chapter 10

There was an awkward pause as they materialised in the transporter room.

Finally, McCoy coughed and made his excuses, not wanting to be caught in the middle of another loaded gaze as long as he lived.

"So, uh-" Jim began. "We should- talk."

"It appears so."

"My quarters?"

They walked in silence, Jim's head whirling.

\---  


The door shut behind them, loud in the silence, and Jim turned to face Spock. "So-"

"Captain, I believe I have treated you badly."

"No, no Spock- fuck- I've been a shit to you- I'm a-"

"Captain, I have given you the impression that I do not enjoy your company-"

"Shut up Spock- I'm a complete idiot. I was- fuck. I was scared that you would reject me if you knew what a complete fuck up I am and how everything I touch turns to dust and that my own mother travelled to other planets to avoid me and how I disappoint everyone and-"

"Captain, please remember to breathe."

"-And that I can't even talk about my goddamn feelings with the one person I actually  _do_  fucking want to, because every time I tried before it all went to hell-"

"Please calm down-"

"Let me finish! And that what I wanted to tell you was yes- yes I did want to be with you, and commit to you but fucking hell Spock you could do so much better and seriously, you don't need my issues-"

"Jim."

Kirk stopped mid breath, trembling. Spock looked focused, his eyes dark and his hands clenched into fists at his sides. That voice…it was an echo of his older self, the emotional weight behind it driving the air from his chest in a rush. He didn't deserve to be spoken to like that- like he  _mattered,_ like he wasn't a shitty reflection of his father's legacy.

"Jim. You are irrational, illogical, and nonsensical."

"Thanks."

"Let  _me_  finish. You are also brave, and loyal. You are intelligent in ways I cannot always comprehend. You are like the stars- burning, brilliant, and  _constant._  You  _matter._ You have  _never_  disappointed me, only amazed me and exceeded all expectations."

"But-"

Spock was suddenly in his personal space, his arms wrapped tightly around Jim as though he was scared that the human would disappear. "Do not leave me, Jim."

"I won't. Never again."

Jim lifted his arms, winding them around Spock's neck and leaning in. He felt the hummingbird thrum of Spock's pulse in his throat, could smell the comforting, warm scent of him.

It felt more like home than any place, any person ever had. He threaded his fingers into Spock's hair, needing to touch as much of him as possible  _now_  before he woke up from this amazing dream, and pulled his head back just far enough to kiss the Vulcan.

They had never kissed in any way that wasn't hard, or possessive, or domineering; every kiss before this had felt like a fight. Kirk didn't even really know how to begin, the kiss chaste and hesitant at first, as if asking for permission. Spock pulled him closer, his fingers splayed across Jim's back as the kiss became deeper; possessive in a languid, slow way, revelling in the taste and the feel of each other as though it was the first time. Spock kissed like he did everything; thoroughly and effectively, and Jim found himself breathless and hard within minutes, pressing himself against Spock's body. It was ridiculous- he had never kissed as though it was more than foreplay at best and an apology at worst- and here he was grinding up against Spock like a schoolboy after two minutes.

Finally he pulled back for breath, staring at Spock with wide eyes.  _You're fucking amazing-Spock, please-_

_-Jim, exercise patience, for once. We have time._

Spock leaned back in, trailing kisses up Kirk's throat, sucking gently at the bruises Jim still had from their last sexual encounter as though apologising. Jim leaned his head back, his groan low like a purr.

_I know, but I want you-_

_And I you, but this will not be like the last time._

Spock's hands roamed his body, tugging relentlessly at his clothes until he stepped back enough to let the Vulcan remove them, the space between them almost physically painful. Kirk kicked off his boots and stepped out of his trousers before pulling Spock back towards him, grabbing impatiently at the layers still between them.  _Help me-_

_You are impatient. Very well._  Spock helped him remove his clothes, throwing them behind him before pressing himself up against Jim again. Kirk almost sighed with relief at the renewed contact, his body humming with contentment. He wound his hands around Spock's back, needing him even closer, the skin-to-skin contact not nearly enough. Every nerve ending sang and sparked at the Vulcan's touch, at the clever, slender fingers tracing maddening patterns and curves across Jim's body.

_Please-_

_To the bed, Jim._

_Yes-_

Kirk stepped back blindly, moving until the back of his knees hit the edge of his bed and he stumbled, sprawling onto it and dragging Spock along with him in a breathless tangle of limbs. He could feel Spock's erection pressed almost painfully into his hip, his own cock trapped against the Vulcan's stomach. Whining, he pushed his hips up, needing more- more touch, more friction, more  _everything_ , now. He cupped his hand around the back of Spock's neck, pulling him into another kiss, and Spock's mind _hummed_  with Jim's arousal and want and  _love_  and it was so powerful that Spock's breath hitched in his throat as he realised that Jim  _did_  love him after all-  _really_  loved him, like he was drowning in it- and it was beautiful and intoxicating beyond anything he could comprehend.

Spock deepened the kiss, clutching at Jim's face as he desperately transferred his own thoughts-

_Thought you couldn't love me-not like this—Jim, my ashayam, my k'hat'n'dlawa- always—you will not leave me again-not where I cannot follow-_

_Spock! It's okay, it's okay, I'm right here-_

_Yes, always mine, only mine-_

_I promise-_

Spock shifted his weight, pushing Jim's legs apart and sliding between his thighs without breaking the kiss or his thoughts. Jim arched into him, dragging his hands up Spock's back with a needy, keening whine in the back of his throat that made the Vulcan shudder. Their cocks slid against each other, trapped between their bodies; the friction maddening and wonderful all at once.

"Fuck, please," Jim gasped out between kisses, leaning his head back so Spock could attack his neck with teeth and tongue. "Need you."

Spock twined one hand through Jim's hair, keeping his neck back and throat exposed as he kissed his way across the vulnerable pulse point, feeling the heart beat underneath his skin- so slow compared to his, even at this accelerated pace. He took his time, wanting to be able to finally explore every inch of Jim's heated skin, to taste the salty, clean tang of his sweat in the hollow of his collarbone, to hear the human gasp and moan his name like a prayer. These were all things he had been denied when their relationship was just sex- and he  _was_  going to take them now, despite Jim's protests. He spent many minutes kissing, licking and biting his way across every inch of skin he could reach, Jim becoming more frustrated underneath him, his nails digging into Spock's back as he desperately attempted to gain friction.

Finally, Spock relented, leaning over Kirk to pick up a bottle of scented oil and pouring some onto his palms. He moved up onto his knees to spread the golden oil onto his cock, his eyes dark and narrowed as he looked down at Jim.

_Fuck you look so hot-_

Spock often found that he enjoyed being able to pick up thoughts from Jim through physical contact- touch telepathy was a useful gift, sometimes. Right now especially, he was  _revelling_  in the outpouring of lust and need from the human beneath him. He pushed at Jim's leg with one slick hand, moving it out of the way so he could slide one finger, then two, inside him. Kirk hissed between his teeth, forcing himself to still so that he could relax past the burning pain.

Spock moved slowly, waiting until Jim's gritted teeth relaxed, until his breathing began again with a soft, satisfied sigh and his eyes half closed, his thoughts slowing and twining through his mind like smoke – _fuck, that's good-more-_ before adding a third, Jim groaning low in his throat.

When Kirk was writhing beneath him, his thoughts a blur of  _needyouwantyouinmenowloveyouplease,_ Spock removed his fingers, agonisingly slowly so that Jim whined and thrust his hips up in a silent plea for more. With an almost-smile that only Jim would even have noticed, Spock lifted Kirk's legs and pushed inside him leisurely, his fingertips caressing Jim's thighs delicately. He stopped when he was fully sheathed in the human, allowing Jim a long, delicious second to adjust before beginning to thrust; long, deep strokes that Jim arched back into, the pleasure so intense he could barely see clearly. Kirk reached up, leaning on his elbows to kiss Spock desperately, his breath hitching and his heart pounding in his temples as he looked up at Spock's face- his eyes dark, feral, but still  _his_ Spock and it was beautiful, the look on his face so open and unguarded for once that it made Jim want to have him like this always just to see it.  _You're beautiful_ , he thought, and Spock faltered in his thrusts for a moment, his eyes questioning.

_You believe so?_

Kirk nodded, gasping as the Vulcan pushed deep into him again. "Fuck- yeah, I believe so alright-fuck, harder."

Spock shifted his weight, bracing himself on one arm so that he could thread one hand through Jim's hair, kissing him again and shuddering as the human groaned into it. He could barely believe it; this kind of emotion was only found in human fairy tales, was not expected to be real or so completely overwhelming. Spock barely knew how to deal with the rush of feeling from Jim or even from his own body, only knowing that he had to touch his human, had to have him like this always, with his eyes so blue and full of awe, his lips – those beautiful lips- slightly open, his breath ragged and every muscle in his body shivering with pleasure. It was too much to bear for long, Spock already feeling the familiar heat pooling in his stomach as he neared his climax. He could feel Jim was close, too, his thoughts becoming more erratic.

_Spock, I need-_

_I know._  He tugged gently at Jim's hair before letting go, trailing his hand down the human's body in a rough caress before wrapping it around Kirk's cock, rubbing his thumb gently across the head just to make Jim whimper, his eyes wide and pleading. Spock began to thrust harder, pulling all the way out before driving back into the human, his hand moving on Jim's cock in time to his thrusts. Kirk grabbed at Spock's back, digging blunt nails into him and hanging on tightly as he came hard enough to stop his breath for a long, almost painful moment, his mind screaming Spock's name even though his throat couldn't.

_Fuck- Spock- fuck I love you-_ was all Spock got before he was following Kirk, his own orgasm even more intense because of the mental link with Jim, their pleasure shared, echoed and intensified between them like a constant loop.

_I love you too,_  Spock sent a few seconds later, already collapsed onto Kirk's chest.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Everything was silent for a few, blissful moments, the only sound their steady breathing as they both recovered, Spock listening intently to the drumbeat of Kirk's heart as it slowed. He found himself fascinated by how long it took the human's pulse to return to normal compared with his own, already beating steadily in his abdomen. Jim wound his fingers into Spock's hair lazily, twisting gently and then smoothing it back down. His thoughts were a low hum of contentment.

He  _was_  content; his world was right once more- Spock hadn't rejected him, had wanted him as much as Jim had needed to be with Spock. He had been so stupid, so _blind-_  how could he have mistaken Spock's pain over his attitude and his reputation for indifference? He had wasted so much time, had caused them both so much pain when they should have been standing together, fighting  _together_ , not each other-

"Be calm," Spock muttered into his chest. "You are thinking loudly."

"Sorry."  _Sorry I haven't been there –_

_Do not fret, Jim. It is done. We are whole._

Spock moved reluctantly, rolling onto his back with a soft sigh. The air against his stomach felt cold despite the warmth of the room. "I must apologise for believing your reputation rather than your words."

"It's alright- I wouldn't believe me either."

Spock rolled his eyes tolerantly. "Do not speak of yourself so poorly."

"I- can't help it."

Jim rolled into Spock's side, curling around him. "Spock Prime told me that you didn't hate me."

"You spoke to him?"

"I needed to know…I didn't know what to do."

The Vulcan made a non-committal noise, wrapping one arm around Jim. "He was correct."

"I figured, Spock, seeing as we're naked. He said you were scared of losing me."

"Again."

"Yeah."

"I am more scared of that possibility than of anything else in the universe, Jim. I am scared of becoming my older self; of losing you forever and drifting, aimless, like he was."

"I'm human. I'm gonna die before you."

"I will not allow it."

"You're really illogical for a Vulcan."

Jim said it with a smile, but Spock did not return it.

"You have the blood of Khan in your veins. Perhaps it will extend your lifespan."

"Bones has no idea what it'll do to me in the long run," Jim shrugged. "Guess it could. I'm sleepy."

"Then sleep, ashayam."

Jim did; without nightmares or troubling dreams for the first time in weeks.

Spock did not sleep at all, instead watching over Kirk.

\---

They visited Spock Prime once more before leaving New Vulcan; only Jim and Spock this time, Bones preferring to spend his last few hours on the planet's surface indulging in another of the tall, green tinted drinks.

The elderly Vulcan was radiant- that was the only way Jim could describe him, the lines on his aged face seeming less pronounced, the desolate hollowness in his eyes replaced with light and love. Every movement he made was lighter, easier than they had seen just a few days ago; he walked with purpose and pride again, his head high and regal like Jim's own Spock.

And he  _smiled_. Jim had never seen his own Spock smile like that; openly as though it was as natural as breathing to him- but Spock Prime did, and it was weirdly beautiful on his severe Vulcan features. Spock could barely believe that this was even a version of him, the sheer serenity and joy he radiated alien and bewildering to the young Vulcan. Jim wondered if his own Spock  _could_  ever smile like that- and intended to spend the rest of his life finding out.

"Sit down, please," Spock Prime invited, giving them both a cup of some delicately spiced tea. "We were preparing for our mid-day meal."

"We won't stay long," Jim said, somewhat at a loss as to what to do with his tea. Spock nudged him and mimed drinking, very subtly. Jim shrugged and tried to imply that he did not like tea, but Spock just gave him a thunderous glare and Jim was defeated.

Spock Prime saw every second of this exchange, and smiled at them knowingly. "Jim, I see that you have taken the advice I gave you to heart."

Kirk flushed slightly, glancing at his Spock. "I did."

"And I take it all is well between you?"

"It is," Jim replied with a grin. Spock Prime nodded, his eyes scanning the both of them with some pride. Then he glanced back fondly, towards the chair that was unoccupied except in Spock Prime's mind, and nodded again.

"My Jim is pleased to see that you both have not repeated the mistakes of our timeline. My apologies, our fully formed mental bond makes speech unnecessary much of the time."

"It is quite alright," Spock replied, sipping at his tea whilst staring at his Jim until he followed suit, grimacing. "I hope that perhaps we may be fully bonded in the near future."

Jim almost spat his tea out, but mercifully, managed to remain almost calm as he raised his eyebrows at Spock. Spock ignored him.

"You may wish to discuss this with your T'hy'la," Spock Prime chuckled, glancing back to the space his bondmate occupied. "You may put your beverage down, Jim. I should have estimated that it would be a constant between timelines- you just do not enjoy Vulcan tea."

"Thank you," Jim said gratefully, placing it on the table. "I'm sure it's just another human fault of ours."

"On the contrary," Spock Prime smiled gently. "I find all facets of humanity…fascinating. My own Jim continues to surprise me after many years."

"I am sure this Jim will do the same," Spock replied archly, finishing his own tea.

"I'm sure that was a Vulcan insult," Jim grumbled. Spock Prime merely looked at them both indulgently.

"We will take our leave of you both," Spock said after giving Jim a long-suffering glance. "Please, keep us informed as to your health?"

"Indeed we shall. Thank you both for visiting."

They stood, and after exchanging farewells, Spock and Kirk left, returning to their ship with a quiet feeling in their chests that they couldn't place.

\---

Bones noticed it first- and of course, being Bones, he commented.

"You two are looking less like you want to rip each other's throats out."

He said it with a grim satisfaction, as though this was the worst outcome ever and was probably Jim's fault. But his eyes betrayed the relief he felt, his searching look between the two of them all Kirk needed to know his friend had been concerned.

"Yeah, we're trying that 'getting along' thing you've told us so much about," Jim grinned, punching the doctor lightly on the arm.

"Well, try getting along quieter, please- some of us need to sleep and prefer not to hear 'oh fuck Spock' at four am."

Spock looked horrified, staring between Jim and McCoy with his mouth slightly open in panic.

Jim steered the Vulcan away from McCoy, stifling the laugh that threatened to escape and instead flipping open his communicator. "Kirk to Mr. Scott?"

"Aye, go ahead Captain."

"How many more crew members are we waiting for?"

"Only twelve now, sir. I'll let you know. Did that implant work, Captain?"

"Like a dream, Scotty- you're a genius. Kirk out."

"Captain," Spock began hesitantly as they approached the bridge.

"Yes, Spock?"

"Are we a couple?"

"…Well, I figured so, yeah."

"Fascinating. And the crew is…aware…of this?"

"It looks like it."

Carefully, Spock leaned in close and kissed Jim very softly on the lips, pulling away almost instantly and looking rather pleased with his boldness.

"What was that for?"

"I have always wished to experience kissing my superior officer whilst on shift."

"Well fuck that, you might as well do it properly," Jim grumbled, grabbing Spock and kissing him possessively, his hands tangled in the Vulcan's hair.

"Oh, for God's sake," McCoy groaned, edging around them and hiding his face with his hands, almost running off to the turbolift. "I need alcohol."

_I believe we have distressed the Doctor-_

_Good, he probably deserves it. Shut up and kiss me._

"Mr. Scott to Captain Kirk- that's everybody on board, sir. She's ready when you are."

Kirk broke the kiss and pressed the intercom. "Thank you, Scotty."

The bridge crew began filing in, talking amongst themselves and laughing. Jim felt his chest tighten with pride and a wonderful sense of  _belonging_  that he had never experienced anywhere but here, on the bridge with his friends- his family. He glanced at Spock, now at his station, and settled himself into the chair with an ease he had lost in the last few months. He knew every person on this ship would follow his orders without hesitation; knew he commanded not just loyalty but  _respect_ \- and he realised, finally, that he  _was_  worth something after all. He had everything he had ever been looking for right here, he'd just been too blinded by his own self-pity to see it.

"Mr. Sulu! Warp factor three- let's get out there and find some more trouble."

"Aye, sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who got this far.  
> That's it! Hopefully you enjoyed it.


End file.
